We All Have Our Time Machines

As a matter of fact, you probably own several.

Even if you don’t have all the necessary components, any missing parts of your homemade time machine will be relatively easy and cost-effective to obtain.

In this post, I will tell you everything you need to assemble time machines capable of transporting you to each pre-Cultural Ground Zero era.

If you’re interested in taking a vacation from Current Year and revisiting the world of your childhood, read on.

First stop …

Here’s how to relive the glory days of Lucasfilm, video arcades, and glam metal:

• Use some vacation time in early fall, on what would have been the first day of the new school year you’d have cut class.
• In a semi-finished basement room, pull out your vintage Atari 2600, hook it up to a 13″ CRT TV, the kind with analog dials.
• Grab a bag of Funyuns, a six-pack of 7-Up, and enjoy the audio/video/taste experience.

If you’re younger than Gen X or just in the mood for a slightly more sophisticated destination, here’s your ticket to …

Perform the following steps to go back to the heyday of John Hughes comedies, wacky sitcoms, and Reaganomics.

• Wait for a weekday in early spring when you’ll be alone in the house. After school hours, around the time you’d let yourself in with the key in the mailbox, go to your bedroom.
• Take with you a bag of pizza Combos and a pitcher of Berry Blue Kool-Aid.
• Use the same CRT TV as above, but swap out your Atari for your NES. Slide the original gold Legend of Zelda pak into the control deck, and explore the forests of Hyrule as once you did.

 

Apply this formula to relive the zenith of mass-market popular entertainment.

• Around All Hallows’ Eve on a Friday evening, run through the drive-up at McDonald’s. Order a 20-piece McNugget and a large orange Hi-C.
• Retreat to your bedroom once again. This time, trade up to a newer TV with push-button controls–an angular black model such as dominated store shelves in the 80s. Connect your Sega Genesis to this TV.
• Insert your copy of Altered Beast, and raise 1989 from the grave.

After that, it’s time to bid the 80s farewell and venture into …

The Early 90s

Enact this ritual to experience anew the glow of post-Cold War optimism:

• On a Saturday afternoon in July, move your CRT so you’re sitting right next to a vintage 80s window air conditioner. Switch back to your NES for the last time.
• Load up your Super Mario Bros. 3 cartridge.
• Set out to rescue Princess Peach, frequently dipping into the case of Pepsi Throwback you left to chill in the fridge.